jamriot 2024-01-11 22:45:10

Thank you for participating! This was a fun read, your characters have a lot of personality and it's particularly fun to read how they interact with each other.

While this is a small critique (and is honestly more of a suggestion than an actual issue on your end), I would consider how you can format a script/RP-style piece to your advantage to look more structured and/or polished. The Writer's Jam welcomes all forms of writing, and I am actually personally fond of scripts, so don't take this as me telling you to overhaul the way you present your stories, but consider how your grammatical prowess or characterization may be hindered by having short-form actions and descriptions in asterisks between most dialogue.

In addition to this, it would be good to see you more subtly express character emotions. There's times where you say characters are smiling "happily," or are "unimpressed." Don't be afraid to let your dialogue and the motions/gestures you write out do the talking for you, you have plenty enough of a grasp on how to express character's moods and expressions that you don't need these words to help the reader!

With all that said, the suggestions I just mentioned are only applicable because I think I see you as a more competent writer than you may see yourself (not to put words in your mouth). You have a lot going for you here with your dialogue and characterization, so don't be afraid to throw it out there without as much direction given to the audience! Thank you for participating, winners will be announced soon here on Newgrounds and on my Discord! Stay tuned!